Sid was an extremely smart and ambitious spider. He was a hard worker and can be a fun friend whenever he isn’t building his webs. The problem with Sid is that his strengths are also a weakness. They’re a double edge sward that can be used to butter his bread or take of his head.
Sid always spends his whole night building the biggest spider web that anyone has ever seen. He’s afraid of heights so he builds them close to the ground in places like doorways and across sidewalks. This is where the problem starts – stupid humans keep walking through his magnificent webs.
One day, Sid spoke to his friend Tony who is a swirl spider. Swirl spiders are small and they always build the smallest webs inside of holes. Tony is a fat little spider. He always eats plenty of bugs. Doug couldn’t figure out why Tony caught so much food with such a small web so he asked him “Tony, how do you get so much food with such a small web? I’m always building the biggest of webs and catch nothing.”
To which Tony replied “I’ll let you in on a little secret, Sid. My Papa taught me this trick but before I tell you it – promise me you’ll keep it a secret.”
Sid nodded his head.
“Ok, the only reason I’m sharing this with you” said Tony “is because you look so thin and hungry. I cant let myself see you wither away. So, are you ready?”
“I sure am, Tony.”
“Ok, here it is: it’s a magic spell. Recite this ‘Stupid bugs, stupid bugs fall for my trap. Stupid bugs, Stupid bugs from all over the map.’ Say that one 10 times a day for a week and make sure you say it between 10am and 12pm or else it won’t work. If you do this, you’ll have more than enough bugs to eat. Trust me.”
When Tony said this, Sid realized three things. One, Tony is crazy. Two, He’s also not the smartest spider out there. Three, The only reason he is so successful is because he has such a small hidden web in a little hole that bugs want to crawl into. Sid is too big to do this trick but he needs to find a better place to put his webs and they don’t need to be so big.
Instead of disagreeing with Tony, Sid thought it would be better to play dumb instead of wasting time arguing. Sid remembered another Spider named Spark Twain* who once said “Don’t argue with stupid people, they’ll being you down to their level and beat you with experience.”
So Sid promised Tony to try his spell.
Three weeks later, Sid came back to Tony after building a web in a high corner of a human’s kitchen. This kitchen had three sloppy college students living in it who didn’t do their dishes. Sid made a deal with these humans to pay rent. His rent was to eat all of the bugs and flies. They became great roommates. Sid eats roughly 10 flies a day which are rich in potassium.
Sid went back to tony and said “your spell worked.” Even though he never tried it. After that day, Tony wrote a book on feeding yourself with magic spells and he did a lecture every week at the local spider university. Later on in his life, Tony started his own religion called Tony Bologna Maloney. He lived to the age 100 (or so he said) and had over a million disciples.
*Spark Twain is the real spider version of Mark Twain. I hear they were roommates which is why they sound similar.